Parental Pressure: The impact of our words
The summer is in full swing! That means that many of us have schedules filled with activities with our children. Everywhere you turn you will see soccer games, baseball and softball tournaments, golf matches, summer camps, swim lessons, and endless other activities that fill our already packed full calendars.
Along with these activities, you will also observe parental pressure. As a mom of three kiddos, I will be the first to admit parental pressure is hot and heavy in our daily conversations. But, what exactly is “Parental Pressure” and how can we take a step back and transition to become more “Parental Supportive” parents?
The word “pressure” as defined in the Oxford dictionary is; the use of persuasion, influence, or intimidation to make someone do something.
Parental Pressure is defined as behavior exhibited by parents that is perceived by their children as indicating high, unlikely, or possibly even unattainable expectations.
How did this happen? How did so many of us become parents of pressure? And are we ever pressuring our kids without even realizing it? Let's take a baseball game as an example. Your son or daughter is up to bat. The bases are loaded and the team only needs one more run to win the game. The parent yells, “You can do it! Just get a base hit and you send Johnny home!” Though the words may sound encouraging, they also remind your child that at this moment it is UP TO THEM TO WIN (or lose) THIS GAME.
This is pressure at its finest. It is likely that your child knows what would need to happen to win. This is an awareness that they already have. The coach or parents’ reminder of the outcome desired is added pressure. What kind of wording could we explore that would transition this moment to one of support? What if we used words such as “Do your best buddy!” or “Have fun and let it fly!” This shows encouragement and support without highlighting it with pressure.
I remember walking away from my childrens swim meet years ago and hearing a parent say to their child “You swam hard, but we really need you to practice your free style! Did you see how fast Sara was?” That statement automatically told the child… “you did fine, but Sara did it better and now you NEED to practice to meet my expectation of what a good swimmer is.” Flipping this to one of parental support could sound like, “Good job! You swam hard today! How did you feel about the day?” This shows them support. And gives them the opportunity to open up to you about how they felt the day went.
Children are surrounded by parental pressure every day. How many times do we hear an adult ask a recent high school grad, “What are you majoring in at college?” This is a common question asked that assumes:
1. That the student is attending college.
2. That the student knows exactly what their major will be for the future.
3. That if they don’t know, they “should” based on the question even being asked.
Pressure, Pressure, Pressure.
Imagine if the question was asked due to the curiosity of the adult in a supportive way? What would that look like? Could a few of those questions be:
”What excites you about the future?”
This allows them to expose details of their future from their own perspective. If they disclose that their future does involve further education, a more supportive question could be, “Are there any classes that excite you?” Again, this allows them to use their creativity, keeps them in the driver's seat of their own journey, and shows support instead of pressure.
Here’s a situation I am currently navigating. My son is 16 years old and preparing to take his ACT test. The result of this test will determine if he is able to take a few classes that he is interested in during his Junior year of high school. This awareness has already riddled him with the feeling of pressure. As his mom, this is hard to watch him navigate. I want the best for him. I want him to succeed. But most importantly I WANT him to know that whether or not he reaches the score that would ultimately get him into the class he would like, the fact that he gave it his best shot is what success truly looks like to a parent. I have to take a hard look at myself and constantly ask “Am I doing my part to show support?” “Am I adding to the pressure he already is feeling?”
By taking a moment to pause, it is allowing me to consider my words before they even leave my mouth. I can look for ways to show my support while still keeping him in the driver's seat of his journey. I also found that one of the best ways to determine if your child is feeling pressure is by ASKING them. Yes, I asked my son if he feels I am adding to the pressure he feels. This allowed me to learn and grow right along with him. It also allowed space for me to say, “Is there anything I can do to support you right now?” And guess what, there was. He asked if I could sign him up for an ACT prep class. He has been studying at a pace that fits his schedule and mental capacity. I do not hound him with questions about how it is going. I do not ask if he is getting “ready” to take the test in a few weeks (pressure, pressure, pressure). Instead, I tell him I am proud of him. I tell him I am here if he needs to talk. I ask him to let me know if there is something more I can do to support him. I am letting him grow… on his own… without my own pressures being added on top of his.
And yes, I still mess up. Pretty much daily. But I am still learning how to navigate as the driver on my journey too. And instead of adding pressure on myself to be perfect, I forgive myself and continue forward.
Celebrating your success,
Krista Ryan